The Truth Can Hurt…Unnecessarily!

The following story was contributed by reader Nadeen Green.

Managing a loved one with dementia…

For those of us raised with good values, the realization that it is sometimes “okay to lie” can be long in coming and difficult, particularly when the person we are lying to is a parent.  One of the challenges I faced with my mother-in-law came from my need to “always be honest and truthful.”  Because I am a lawyer by trade, I believed I would be able to haul Norma from her early stage dementia back through the sheer power of my exceptional (at least in my mind) powers of persuasion and logic.  No one was able to convince me that this was not only an impossible task but cruel as well.

When it was necessary that Norma move into assisted living, she was very resistant.  She was going to stay in her home until the “good Lord took her.”   People wiser than I mentioned that they had transitioned their elder by telling them they had to move temporarily during a “home remodeling project” that never happened.  I tried that suggestion, and Norma agreed to move “temporarily” while her home was “fumigated” for termites.  I even created an exterminator’s work order for Norma to sign.  (Not only lying, I was now forging documents!)

“Temporarily” worked because one of the symptoms of Norma’s dementia was her inability to keep track of time. Each day I told her the work would take “three more days.” This worked until it was no longer an issue.

Yet when she said her parents were coming, I told her that wasn’t possible.  When she said she needed to go to their funeral, I told her that had been years ago.  At first I didn’t realize that she was becoming angry with me was because I was a source of confusion and frustration.  Finally, on came the proverbial light bulb.  When Norma wouldn’t bathe, I created a letter that supposedly came from her doctor (forgery added to my sins), telling her why she needed to take her bath.

What is “dementia” to us is “reality” to our loved ones with dementia…we need to embrace and endorse that reality. The next time she said her parents were coming, I assured her they were, but it would be a while because of traffic.  When she said she needed to go to their funeral, I told her to go ahead and eat dinner while I made the necessary arrangements.   Shortly all was forgotten, but because I showed her that I appreciated her world, it was done without the hurt, confusion and stress.

Eject-o-Mom

By Lisa Cochrane

One of my mother’s outstanding traits was her ability to socialize with others.  She had an ability to start, or add to, a lively conversation on most any subject. A way of making every stranger feel welcome, every person feel important.

Alzheimer’s changed that and recently she has begun to just chatter

What to do About Cursing?

Lately my mother, who suffers from Alzheimer’s, developed a common and sometimes embarrassing trait:  Cursing like a sailor.  

Does Your Parent Drink Enough Water?

By Judy Starkweather,  Editor – Senior Care Stories.com

On several occasions my sister and I noticed that my Mom’s dementia would get worse. We worried that this was the “beginning of the end” of her mental competency.

“Tough Love” Can Payoff When Moving Your Senior

The following story was contributed by reader Laura Robertson

When I became my uncle’s caregiver, I was faced with making the hard decisions for him – decisions that had to be made but were against what he wanted to do or thought he wanted to do.  

A Geriatric Care Manager Can Make Moving Easier

Submitted by JP Mondeau

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I am an only child who grew up in the Boston area.  While I moved to Colorado with my wife, my parents stayed in Boston and lived in the same house for over 54 years.  When my father, now 79, had a heart attack four years ago, my wife and I began to discuss moving them out West to a facility near our home.  Fortunately my father’s health improved and so the idea of moving them from their home, friends and neighborhood now seemed a bit too drastic of a change.

About two years ago when my parents came to visit, we took the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart conversation with them about the possibility of a move. My father was completely against the idea but my mom was at least willing to think about it.

Finding The Right Doctor

by Judy Starkweather

When my Mom moved to Atlanta, I needed to find a new doctor for her.  I received a recommendation from someone at the Assisted Living Facility where she would be residing and made an appointment. After each visit, however, I had to make additional appointments with specialists, which meant carting my 91 year old Mom from one to another. It was tough since I was working full time. My mother wasn’t very helpful. She was always saying “Why are you taking me to another doctor? I’m sick of doctors!”

I learned that the Assisted Living Facility had a doctor who did “house calls” at the facility every Thursday. It sounded convenient, but the doctor always arrived at different times, so I seldom got a chance to connect with him and he eventually stopped coming to the facility all together.

Protecting Your Parent From Falls

by Judy Starkweather

It took awhile to convince my mother that her walking was shaky enough to warrant a cane, but once we did, it worked out well. She selected a clear acrylic one that garnered lots of compliments.  She grew to like it not only for steadying her gate, but also as a conversation piece and fashion statement!

When mom’s falls became more frequent and she needed a walker, it was a much tougher sell.  It wasn’t until she went into Assisted Living and they required her to have one, that we actually made it happen. It was equipped with wheels, a seat she could sit on if she got tired and a basket below to hold items she might need during the day. We also purchased a “purse-like” cloth bag that hangs over the front of it for easy access to things like cough drops and kleenex. My sister and I felt good knowing that my mother could now get around more independently and eventually she learned to like her new “wheels.”

Tips for Hiring Help for Your Senior Parent

By Joe Ponepinto

Many seniors who are healthy enough to stay in their homes, rather than move to a care facility or move in with relatives, prefer to remain in an environment that they know and feel comfortable in. But often these seniors need a little help around the house, whether it’s cleaning, doing laundry, or personal care like bathing. If children can’t provide it, then hiring a service or agency may be an option.

Before you or your parent enters into such an arrangement, there are a few steps to consider to make sure the safety of the senior is not at stake. Here are a few tips for hiring in-home help for seniors. These come from the California Bar Foundation.

Teach Your Parents Well

By Judy Starkweather

I was taking my 94-year-old Mom out one day and feeling stressed. My job and the caregiving were getting the best of me. When we arrived at our destination, I got out of the car, went around to get her and as always, reached over to unbuckle her seatbelt. In a moment of sheer frustration, I said “Gee Mom, you’d think a college graduate could learn to unbuckle her seatbelt!” We laughed a bit, but she knew my fuse was shortening by the second.

The next day, I decided to show her a way that I thought would make it easy to accomplish this task. I had to take into consideration the limited ability she had to turn her body enough to even see the buckle. To my amazement she exclaimed, “No one has ever shown me how to do that before!”

Tips for Reducing the Stress of Senior Home Care

Submitted by Linda Dunkelberger

Caring for aging parents or loved ones carries a lot of responsibility and a range of emotions. No matter how much love you have in your heart, carrying the load of caring for your loved one will leave you drained physically, emotionally and possibly financially. Coping with the stress of senior home care has to be managed or you will not be an effective caregiver.

Managing the stress of senior home care is all about taking charge. Take charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your schedule, your environment and the way you deal with problems and unexpected situations. The ultimate goal of coping with the stress of senior home care is to achieve a balanced life.

Suggestions to reduce, prevent, and cope with the stress of senior home care:

Senior home care requires organization: Organize your time and your schedule. Write everything down so that you or another family member has reference to phone numbers, doctors, medications, in-home senior care providers, important insurance and financial numbers.

Start a personal journal: Share your feelings about the stress of senior home care. Writing down your thoughts will help you to take charge of your emotions.

Prioritize your health and well-being. Nurturing yourself is a necessary not a luxury. Healthy ways to relax and recharge:

• Go for a walk
• Call a good friend
• Sweat out the tension with a good workout
• Write in your journal
• Curl up with a good book
• Take a long bath
• Eat healthy and exercise regularly
• Play with your pet
• Work in your garden
• Listen to music
• Savor a cup of warm coffee or tea

Give yourself a break: Enlist the help of a professional senior home care provider. These professionals can provide daily or weekly help for everyday chores, errands, hygiene, meals or transportation needs. Some senior home care providers can also provide a respite from your responsibilities with as little as 15-minutes notice.

Coping with the stress of senior home care is the only possible way to be an effective caregiver to your loved ones. Your mental and physical health must take priority or you will not be able to manage what needs to be done.

This article was submitted by Linda Dunkelberger, a freelance writer and editor working for Visiting Angels (www.visitingangels.com).Visiting Angles is a nationwide senior home care provider that helps seniors with everyday tasks, errands, meals, transportation, and more.